The Interview

I interviewed my aunt, Aunty Shani. The reason behind my decision to interview this particular individual is because ever since my dad’s conflicted side of the family had finally been mended, but only by the death of a loved one, I have come to know a strong, meritorious young woman. The interview below, conducted by “ashz”, determines otherwise.

 

ashz: “Tell me about yourself. Where were you born?

Aunty Shani: “I’m Shani, I was born in Calgary, Alberta. I also grew up in Calgary.”

ashz: “What were your parents like?

Anuty Shani: “They were very protective. I had no freedom. My brother was allowed to do more things than I ever could. Now don’t get me wrong, my childhood wasn’t bad at all. I was a Daddy’s Little Girl. My dad was very caring and fatherly in those years. All the bad stuff started happening when I had reached my teen years. This was when I began voicing my own opinions, although I was still good in school. I decided that my parents were rather “caregivers” than “parents”. My dad was very abusive towards my mom. You did NOT argue with him. He had a hard time putting family first. My mom was very passive, like a bystander.”

ashz: “What was it like growing up? Was there anything that you had to overcome as a child or teen?/What was the most difficult period in your life, and how did you deal with it?

Aunty Shani: “When I was 17, I dated a guy that my dad didn’t approve of. I broke up with him the next year. Now this is where it gets a bit brutal, my dad began abusing me right around that time. My brother was big now, so my dad took it all out on me. There was one time when I’d just had enough in that house, so I called up one of my girlfriends and we made a plan that I would runaway and go over to her house. My dad found me talking o her as I packed my bags so he yanked the phone out of my hand and slammed it on the floor. This is where it gets bad. He dragged me out of my room, hitting me, and then dragged me down the stairs. My brother tried to stop him, and so did my mom. But when my mom attempted, she got slammed back into the kitchen counter. We both suffured a few injuries.

There was another time, this time’s a bit more brutal. So we had a bar in the basement and the walls were covered with mirrors. I remember it so clearly. My dad had gotten mad again, he lifted me by the neck and I remember so clearly, that moment, seeing my face in those mirrors, I was turning purple. I visited the hospital quite a lot, due to head injuries and I actually got a plate dislocated in my hip from being pushed down the stairs. I had a lot of bruises. This may be a bit weird-sounding, but every time my dad put his hands on me, I felt violated. Like there was never that “healing touch” or “loving touch” for me growing up. There were some opportunities for me to press charges but I just didn’t. Because I knew I could survive this, that I could leave one day and be independent.

Another time, I decided to take a year off school, so when I told my mom, she didn’t handle it too well. She slapped me against my ear, and at the moment of impact, I heard a pop! I soon stopped hearing in that ear. When I told my parents about not being able to hear, they were in denial. They wouldn’t take me to the doctor’s as they just wouldn’t believe me no matter what I said. So I took matters into my own hands and visited the hospital by myself. The doctors found that my eardrum was in fact ruptured. The hit had punctured a hole right in my eardrum. When the doctors questioned me about how it happened, I didn’t tell them that my mom hit me. After treatment, I had to keep my ears covered for 6 weeks.

Growing up, I had always felt that there was something different about me overall, in a physical manner. I was abnormally cold in hot weather, there was always a deficiency of sleep even if I’d gotten a full 8 hours, and I grew at a very slow rate. My mom would always call me out on being short, so I developed  a strong self-consciousness about myself. It made me feel different. Until finally my parents noticed that I really wasn’t going to grow anymore. There’s this x-ray you get in your wrist that tells how much you have left to grow. My dad took me for some tests at the hospital and the results showed that I had hypothyroidism-(when the body lacks a sufficiency of thyroid hormone, therefore resulting in symptoms such as slow metabolism). That explained a lot.

When the time came to attend university, I did get accepted and I was suppose to go, if only I could afford it. My parents didn’t pay for me or my brother’s schooling. We had to pay for it ourselves. So I worked for well under the minimum wage, making $4.50 per hour at Burger King. I worked over-hours because my dad’s name was on both me and my brother’s bank accounts, so he actually had access to all of our savings and he drained out both of our accounts. So in the end, I could not live out my dream of attending university. My only option was Mount Royal College.

I did have the role models that every teen needs when they’re growing up. My bestie’s parents substituted for mine in that way, so I did have a parent figure in my life. They were the complete opposite of my parents, so I turned out more like them than my actual parents. I am so grateful that I had them, because now I am nothing like my own parents.”

ashz: “What has been your most terrifying moment?

Aunty Shani: “My most terrifying moment would be my first marriage. My ex was Scottish and 7 years older than me, I would describe him as the “white version of my dad”. So one day he flipped and tried to kill me. He trashed the house and everything. And then he became obsessive of me. He attempted suicide when I ordered a divorce. He ended up in the hospital and from there he promised to leave me alone. But then he started to harass me. He stalked me for some time. It got really bad, to the point where I was placed under a security detail. So I was followed by security for 3 weeks as safety measures. Someone literally had to walk me to work until I was safely inside the building. It became part of my daily routine to be followed by security. I decided I couldn’t live like this. So the police called me in and put me in a course that was called “What To Do If You Get Kidnapped”. I got mental and physical help because of what I was going through. it was a kind of therapy. I found out that my ex was mentally unstable. The police were on the verge of arresting him but then he fled the country for Thailand, and now he’s banned from coming back. If he does, they’ll arrest him at the border.

Most people, when they get married, tend to either “marry their mom” or “marry their dad”, meaning the person they marry is either a lot like their mom or a lot like their dad. I’ve been through two bad marriages. The first time, I “married my dad”. The second time was my mom. But I’ve learned a lot from my past, and now I’m being very picky.”

ashz: “What’s the most difficult decision you’ve had to make?

Aunty Shani: “The most difficult decision I’ve ever made was cutting off my family, definitely. I knew that if I did cut them off, I wouldn’t see them for years and years down the road. I mean yes, they were hardly even parents and they didn’t feel like family most of the time, but they were still my family. The first time I saw my dad was actually at his brother’s funeral. I was being the bigger person when he saw me but didn’t say anything and I went up to him, said “sorry for your loss”, and gave him a hug.

Another time, on the 26th of September, one of my friends was having a birthday party, and she warned me that she had invited my dad. So I saw him there, and this was after Makayla was born, but I didn’t introduce her to him.

My mom was in and out of my life. After my second husband and I got divorced and he moved out, I found out that my mom had actually given him her condo. She always sided with him, I felt that she was sort of jealous of me for who I had become. I officially cut her off in August this year (2014).”

ashz: “What has been the most happiest time in your life so far, and why?

Aunty Shani: “The day that Makayla was born, because that felt like a second chance in life. After she was born, everything went uphill. And now my main goal is to give my daughter a better life than the one I  got. I could never imagine hurting a child the way my parents hurt me. The hurt was with me everywhere I went. I saw things that any child should never have to see. I remember answering a phone call once, and my cousin-so my dad’s brother’s daughter-was on the other end screaming and crying. So I went over to her house and I found her dad beating the heck out of her. I ran to the neighbors’ and called the police. Once the police were involved, my cousin was given the option of foster care but she wasn’t sure she wanted that life. In the end she went into foster care.

So that part of my life will always be there. The abandonment wound will never go away. I regret being silent about everything that happened to me-one of my biggest regrets. I had a lot of counselling, went on and off of anti-depressants, and it really dawned on me that I had no family. It took me until 30 to feel comfortable in my own skin, I even got a tattoo as a reminder. But what happened happened and the biggest thing is to learn from it and be happy! After my second separation, I know exactly what I want. And just for Makayla’s sake, I’m being extremely picky about guys. And I can do without them as well, because I’ve learned to be the strong, confident woman I’ve always wanted to be. I got promoted at work for a position so much higher than where I was before, and frankly, people are telling me, ‘Shani, there’s something different about you.'”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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